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Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

I had my second chemo round on Monday, 09.19.09.  Dr. Carroll made some adjustments to avoid the problems I had with Round One.  These adjustments seem to be working but please continue to pray because Days 1-3 are usually easier than Days 4-6!

Stephen & I went swimming tonight and it was lovely.  Last week, I swam 1.2 miles [42 laps] in about 45 minutes.  Tonight I swam 32 laps in about 34 minutes.  So far, I have not missed 7 days of swimming since I started chemo; most weeks I have kept up with my goal of swimming two times per week.

This will be brief:  I won’t be able to stay awake long enough to reply to your comments but be assured that I appreciate every one of you!  The prayers of all of you who read this blog give me the strength to continue in this “long obedience in the same direction.” 

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Thank you for your prayers of last week!  Dr. Carroll gave me a seven day delay, which means I did not go for chemo last week at all.  I will go in two days, on 10.19.09.  Evidently the short-term effects of chemo subside after about 22 days post-chemo, as I began to heal and strengthen and feel “normal” again!  That week of healing was a wise decision and I know many of you were praying for wisdom.  Thanks!

Here is the list of prayer points from Georgia, from last week:

“Let us join together in prayer, that:
– that the Lord will intervene and take charge of the whole treatment and healing process.
– that the Lord will magnify our limited and fallible, though heartfelt, prayers that they will avail for you mightily.
– that for every side-effect and difficulty you have (thus far) endured in this treatment, the real target, the cancer, is receiving a 10-fold assault and complete destruction.
– that the Lord will prevent further such deep suffering, danger and crisis in all future rounds of treatment.
– that He will let the most bitter cup pass from you.
– that He will direct all the destructive effects of the chemotherapy to be sent directly to any and every cancer cell that remains.
– that as you are joined with Him and we are joined with you and thus with each other in the fellowship of His suffering, that you will receive innumerable prevailing consolations, graces, mercies, even His peace and joy. (Philippians 3:10)
– that the Lord will draw from the prayers, intercessions and praises of innumerable fellow believers and sufferers around the world and throughout the ages, the spiritual power to see you and Stephen and your family through this every moment, every day.
In the Name that is above every name, Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.”

Coram Deo,

Margo

 Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Susan Hope Long Blair

Susan Hope Long Blair [1898-1965]

 Raised in NC, in a hard-working trade and farming community, Susan Hope Long was the eldest of eight children.  She quit her formal education, after grade eight, in order to work and help support her large family.  She and Raymond Blair were married in 1918 and had two children, both boys [Alton and Raymond].  During the next few years, she designed and supervised the building of the first and last home she and Raymond owned:  an Arts & Crafts style bungalow, in Winston-Salem, NC.  In 1943, Susan Hope sent both of her sons off to WWII, one to the Air Corps and one to the Navy.  Not knowing if they would ever return, this selfless act was one of supreme sacrifice and valor. 

Both sons did return from WWII, married, finished their education, began careers, and raised families.  Over the next two decades, Susan Hope became the matriarch of her entire family:  siblings, nieces, nephews, children, and grandchildren.  Long before the term “Elder Care” was first coined, she humbly dedicated herself to caring for her ailing parents in their own home. 

 She became the quintessential grandmother, creating beauty, as she lived out this motto of the Shakers:  “Our hearts to God and our hands to work:”  She played the piano and sang in the church choir, under the direction of her father, David Israel Long.  From her church, I learned to love ancient hymns and liturgy.  In her home, she sewed, baked, and cooked.  She also cut her own lawn, gardened, and canned her own fruit and vegetables. 

Hope Susan lovingly provided for me some of the happiest moments of my childhood.  She still inspires me today, in my new role as a grandmother.  I have only to look in the mirror each morning to be reminded of her, as I inherited her wavy, silver hair.  If I also inherited her virtue and strength of character, I will be very grateful.  Only time and suffering will bring this transformation to light.

 Mommo Blair, [pronounced “MAH-mah”], Round Two is dedicated to you! 

 Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Looking back on last weekend, I realize that I’ve lived a life [so far] that has been amazingly free of physical pain.  Of course, my two childbirths were painful [but of a short duration] and the positive outcomes swept away the memory of the pain of each labor!  

Last weekend, I was overcome with pain and I was decidedly non-heroic.  Let us have no illusions here, for I must create a faithful record of my journey.  Some people consider me heroic due to my decision to have a bi-lateral mastectomy with no reconstruction.  The decision was mentally agonizing for both Stephen & me but the post-operative pain was relatively mild and controllable.  The incision, which extends across my chest, rendered the surgical area numb.  Evidently, the surgery severs tiny nerves that may reconnect over time — or not at all.  My mood was elevated after surgery:  it was OVER and the lymph nodes were CLEAR.  Together, we all gave thanks and prayed that I would be spared further treatment.  If I appeared brave and strong [and even cheerful] it was because I held onto the hope that I was completely CURED and I thought I was through.  With both breasts removed, this seemed highly probable, right? 

I was shocked, as you were, when two oncologists told me that I must have chemo.  They said that maybe I was cured but could not say for sure!  Did the cancer spread through my bloodstream?  Will I have a recurrence of Breast Cancer?  Is chemo really necessary?  By what percentage will it decrease my risk of recurrence?  Will I survive it, as poisons course throughout my body, wreaking havoc with every system?  What will I gain with chemo?  What will I lose?  There are no clear answers!

After “running with footmen” [the surgery] came “competiting with horses” [the chemo] and on Day 6, I landed in ER.  I thought to myself, This is REAL suffering and I am not heroic.  That weekend brought me down low: physically and mentally. I have only six more days before I must submit to the next round.  Am I brave and strong? No, I am filled with dread, foreboding, and fear.

Where do you go when you are fearful?  I go to the Psalms.  The ancient Hebrews had a Psalter, a body of liturgical poetry, the hymnal of ancient Israel.  The Anglican Book of Common Prayer includes the Psalter and gives each of the 150 Psalms a brief title, in Latin, derived from the first phrase of each Psalm.  Psalm 46, for example, is Deus Noster Refugium:  God is our refuge and strength.  Verse 3 says, “Though its waters rage and foam, and though the mountains tremble at its tumult . . . “ 

These are some deep, turbulent waters I am in.  Yet  God is our hope and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Sounds romantic and poetic, doesn’t it?  Let me tell you, Stephen & I swam in the moonlight tonight and it was wonderful to get back in the pool.  I swam for only 1/2 hour, as I thought I should take it easy.  I’m happy to report that I’m back on track:  Today is my second day of not taking a nap and I’ve opened up my food options, beyond Ginger Ale and Saltines. My old humor is back, I caught myself humming today, and I am so grateful to be alive! 

Thank you for supporting me, in this refining fire!  I tell my swim students [I have two new ones!] that the water is designed to support us.  All we have to do is be willing to trust:  kick our feet up off the bottom of the pool floor, become horizontal, lean our heads back, breathe deeply, and relax — so that we can float!  All of you are as elemental as water to me:  I could not survive without you.  I trust that God will use us to support each other, through our various difficult journeys. 

Psalm 46:  Deus Noster Refugium

God is our hope and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore, will we not fear, though the earth be moved, and though the hills be carried into the midst of the sea;  Though the waters thereof rage and swell, and though the mountains shake at the tempest of the same.  There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacle of the Most Highest.  God is in the midst of her, therefore shall she not be removed; God shall help her, and that right early.  Be still then, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, and I will be exalted in the earth.  The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge.

Domine, Refugium.

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

I apologize for the delay in updating my blog.  I am gratified that so many of you noticed the omission and then telephoned or emailed to inquire about my health status.  I am surrounded and sustained by your care and attention.

You know that I try to keep the tone of this blog upbeat.  This time, all I can say is that it is wonderful to be alive today and that I am very grateful for my family & friends, without whose love and prayers I could not survive.

Here is what happened:  On Saturday morning, Day Six After Chemo Round One, I went to the Walk-In Clinic and they transported me via ambulance/EMS to the Emergency Room at the hospital.  My problems, which began Friday night, were debilitating migraine headache, “hypertension urgency,” [extremely high blood pressure, racing heart, blurred vision, dizziness] and vomiting.  I was, frankly, afraid that I would have a stroke or heart attack.  The ER MD ran tests [EKG, CT Scan, blood tests] and determined that I had not had a stroke or heart attack.  They addressed the pain with a narcotic that was 8x stronger than morphine, which knocked out the pain.  However, the narcotic caused me to be violently ill [vomiting] for the next 12 hours or so.  I was in ER for about 4-5 hours and went home Saturday afternoon.  I was able to sleep and drink some water on Sunday morning and keep that down. Now I have graduated to Ginger Ale and Saltines but I daydream about food I would like to eat.  I had some clear broth soup with noodles tonight!

The MD concluded that the headache was a result of the combination of chemo drugs, as I never have suffered from headaches of any type.  The hypertension was a result of the pain.  Stephen called my oncologist, Dr. Carroll, and he concurred.  

I’m resting comfortably at home, reading and watching musicals.  Stephen is taking expert care of me and Garrett came by to visit today, also.  Haley calls and sends iPhone photographs of our grandson, Benjamin, which cheers me up.

When you leave a comment, it means so much to me!  Lately, I have tried to reply to each comment.  So, if you see my name above your name, in the comments listing [with the colorful patchwork quilt icons], then you can jump to your comment and see my reply to you!

Psalm 121:  My help cometh from the LORD, who made heaven and earth . . . He watching over Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps.  [Selah.]

Immortal, invisible, God only wise, in light inaccessible, hid from our eyes.

Most blessed, most glorious, the Ancient of Days, almighty, victorious, thy great Name we praise!

Benedictus es, Domine.

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Thank you for continuing to pray, to read, and to comment!  I swam 1/2 mile on Tuesday night and I plan to swim again tonight.  I feel amazingly well. I am struggling with unrelenting heartburn but that is caused by anti-nausea meds, so I’m taking Zantac.  Sleeping well. 

I’ll write more on the weekend but wanted you to know how much I appreciate you praying me through this first week.

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Yesterday AM, I waked up and said, “This is the day that the Lord has made.  I will be glad and rejoice in it.”  Not that I was feeling joyous, you understand, yet I decided to have this attitude of mind.  This morning, I am filled with gratefulness, for all of you who are upholding me in prayer! 

The first session of chemotherapy went very well!  I tolerated the “prep” drugs — 2 oral (steroids, Benadryl) and 2 infused [anti-nausea] — and  the 4 chemotherapy infused drugs.  no allergic reaction, no discomfort, no pain.  I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Last night, I slept well and woke up this morning feeling normal.  I perhaps am still feeling the “jazzed” effects of steroids yet the Benadryl allowed me to nap during the session.  With permission, I took 2 Benadryl last night before bed. 

I am extremely grateful for “smooth sailing” these first 24 hours.  I am prepared for the next 5 days, in terms of what to expect as my body adjusts to the chemo drugs.  Please continue to pray:  for tolerable short-term side effects and for no debilitating, chronic, long-term side effects. 

Benedictus es, Domine.

Blessed be God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and blessed be His kingdom, now and forever. Amen.

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

OK; this is the Bonus Blog for today.  Be sure and read the post below this one!

Question:  Alert Reader Ron Day wondered, “What does Coram Deo mean?” 

Answer:  The inspiration for that phrase is from The Call:  Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life, by Os Guinness.  Chapter Nine is entitled, The Audience of One.  Here are a few snippets, which I hope will whet your appetite for this outstanding book:

Most of us, whether we are aware of it or not, do things with an eye to the approval of some audience of other.  The question is not whether we have an audience but which audience we have.  This observation underscores another vital feature of the truth of calling:  A life lived listening to the decisive call of God is a life lived before one audience that trumps all others — the Audience of One. 

In Genesis, Abraham’s call is to live a life of trust in God as he journeys before God.  Usually God calls Abraham, but at one point he appears and says, “I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless.”  Behind the voice of God is the eye of God and behind the eye the face and behind the face the heart.  To follow the call of God is therefore to live before the heart of God.  It is to live life Coram Deo [before the heart of God] and thus to shift our awareness of audiences to the point where only the last and highest–God–counts.  [P. 75].

Os Guinness continues P. 76:  The Puritans lived as if they had swallowed gyroscopes; we modern Christians live as if we have swallowed Gallup polls.  Or, as Martin Luther King wrote in his Letter from Birmingham Jail, “in those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society.”  Leaders or panderers?  Gyroscope or Gallup poll?  Thermostat or thermometer?  Only those who practice the presence of the Audience of One can hope to attain the former and escape the latter.

And this is my [Margo’s] prayer:  O Triune God, teach me to be ‘inner-directed,’ not ‘other-directed.’ Give me courage and strength, that in following You,  I would steer by the Polar Star. 

Coram Deo,

Margo

P. S. For those who would like to read more:  Ron Day suggests What Does Coram Deo Mean? written by R C Sproul.  Go to Ligonier Ministries and enter that title in the “blog search.”

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Thanks to your prayers, I bounced back from surgery and I’m ready to get back in the pool with Stephen–either today or tomorrow!

My bags are not yet packed but I am getting ready for the big day:  Monday,  09.21.09:  I’m studying for the big test:  Dr. Carroll gave me reading assignments on the Clinical Trial and on Chemotherapy;  I completed the battery of diagnostic tests [in Tallahassee]; and I’m trying on hats!  Seriously! Stephen helped me pick out styles and colors of hats, specially designed to cover my [future] bald head. 

In preparation for my big day, dear readers, will you pray this prayer for me?

For the Sanctification of Illness: [From the Book of Common Prayer, Page 460.]

Sanctify, O Lord, the sickness of our servant, Margo, that the sense of her weakness may add strength to her faith and seriousness to her repentance; and grant that she may live with you in everlasting life; through Jesus Christ, our Lord.  Amen.

I could not help but to notice the alliteration of this prayer:

Sanctification, sickness, servant, sense, strength, seriousness . . .And to this, I add one more:  May I learn to suffer well!

Coram Deo,

Margo

P. S.  My dear friend, David Brewer, is writing a blog on suffering:  www.awellbrewedheart.wordpress.com.  Talk about a refining fire!