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All Saints’ Sunday

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Honestly, Chemo Round 2, Days 4-10 were rough [no ER visit, however!].  I began to feel normal on Day 11 and this morning I went to worship and tonight I enjoyed “Soup Group,” which we host in our home and which is the highlight of my week. Soup Group is the weekly Sunday Evening Supper & Study for Graduate Students & Faculty. We always serve homemade soup and lately, dear friends have offered to take a turn making soup for us. [Thanks to Patty, Margie, Jessica, and Kris!]  This semester, we are discussing “Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church,” by N T Wright.   This has been a challenging, yet fascinating, book to study and discuss. 

Now, back to this morning:  “All Saints Sunday: Is a holy time when we celebrate all the people of God, those now living on this earth and those who have passed into the greater life, who together form the mystical Body of Christ.  New members are welcomed into Christian life in the Sacrament of Baptism. We also remember all who have lived and died in faith, with whom we know we’ll be reunited around God’s heavenly throne.  Banners are displayed for children who are baptized on this day, and a procession of banners for those who have departed this life in the past year streams to the altar in remembrance.”  [from St. Peter’s Anglican Church Service Leaflet]

What a poignant and emotional morning is All Saints Sunday, for me, every year, because I usually know the family of at least one of the persons who has died.  The Entrance Hymn, during the Procession,  is always the majestic “For All the Saints, Who From Their Labors Rest,” during which we [the congregation] stand and sing all eight verses!  [I invite you to ponder the theological depths and riches of that hymn, for I cannot type it out here.]  I will, however, share the first verse with you:

“For all the saints, who from their labors rest, who thee, by faith before the world confessed, thy Name O Jesus, be forever blessed.  Allelluia, Alleluia!”

As I sing the hymn, I see the back of each banner-carrier as he/she slowly processes down the aisle, toward the altar.  The banner-carrier is almost always a close family member of the person who has died. When the family member reaches the front of the sanctuary, he/she turns around and hands the banner to the Verger, who positions each banner so that it faces the congregation during the rest of the worship service. The banner displays the first name of the loved one who has died and underneath is the phrase, “Christ’s Own Forever.”   For just a few seconds, I can see the brave face of the family member before he/she returns to their pew.  This is the moment that I have to compose myself and fight back tears, as I think about the loss, sorrow, and grief of that family.

The Worship Service was especially poignant to me this year –today — and I am keenly interested in understanding the content of the N T Wright.  Is there a connection to my current suffering?  Absolutley!  No matter how brief or long my life may yet be, through suffering, I have been given a gift:  A view of seeing my life as, not my own, but as belonging to Christ.  “You are not your own; you have been bought with a price.  Therefore, glorify God in your body.” [1 Corinthians 6.20] 

May I remember, in spite of the suffering, that I belong to Christ forever!  Please pray for me, especially between Days 4-10, of the next Chemo Round.  These are the days that I am filled with despair and fear.  These are the days that I find it difficult to “glorify God in my body.”  The suffering batters me, weakens me, and renders me unable to think clearly. [Just ask my husband and he will confirm this!]  At those times, I need those of you who are strong to remind me of the truth. 

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends:

Be sure and read the Bonus Blog, underneath this one!  It has photos that I think you will enjoy!

Update:  Chemo Round 2 is going better than Chemo Round 1!  I have managed to stay out of the ER and, although I have been sick as a dog this past week, it has been manageable!  I was able to go to the Greek Food Festival for a few moments, ate a gyro, suffered later for it, but still thought it was worth it, after fasting most of the week.  I was able also to participate in Soup Group tonight. Thanks, once again, for praying! 

Stephen read this Scripture to me, from Fr. Michael Petty’s Sermon this morning:

2 Corinthians 2: 16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.  For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Please pray for me, that I would see beyond this “momentary light affliction,” that the Triune God would produce in me an “eternal weight of glory,” and that I would see beyond this temporal life, to the promise of eternal life. 

Coram Deo,

Margo

Featured above is the image of my dear friend, David Brewer, who agreed to shave his head in solidarity with me, during my chemotherapy.  Stephen & I have known David and his wife, Sharon, ever since the four of us were undergraduates at FSU, almost 40 years ago! I was not surprised that David readily agreed to shave his head because he & Sharon are well-acquainted with suffering.  For details, see his blog, www.awellbrewedheart.wordpress.com. David is a Christian family counselor and Sharon is the director of a network of women’s crisis pregnancies centers in West Palm Beach, FL.  They have three adult children.

Featured above is the image of Bob & Julie Watts and their two sons, T. J. [left] and Justin [right], who live in Tampa, FL.  Stephen & I have known Bob for almost 30 years; Bob was Stephen’s student in the Computer Information Systems Department at FAMU.  We had the privilege of attending the wedding of Bob & Julie in Tampa, FL, where Stephen served as Bob’s best man.  [I still remember how beautiful the Sacrament of Marriage was!] Bob eagerly agreed to shave his head in solidarity with me, although he admitted that this was not the extreme sacrifice that some would imagine it to be.  What amazed me, however, was that Bob’s entire family got into the “Spirit of Solidarity!” See image below.  Wow!  Such a sacrifice for them.  What an honor for me to have them “in my corner!”

Being bald, as a woman, adds insult to injury, when you are going through chemo therapy.  I think I miss my hair even more than I miss my [ahem] chest.  If you want to join Margo’s Team in The Spirit of Solidarity, it is very simple:  Agree to shave your head until mid-January 2010, when my final chemotherapy will be completed.  Send me a photo of your little bald head plus your permission to include your image and your name, in my blog.  Send email message and attachment of photo to my email address:  marmeepayne@gmail.com.

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

I had my second chemo round on Monday, 09.19.09.  Dr. Carroll made some adjustments to avoid the problems I had with Round One.  These adjustments seem to be working but please continue to pray because Days 1-3 are usually easier than Days 4-6!

Stephen & I went swimming tonight and it was lovely.  Last week, I swam 1.2 miles [42 laps] in about 45 minutes.  Tonight I swam 32 laps in about 34 minutes.  So far, I have not missed 7 days of swimming since I started chemo; most weeks I have kept up with my goal of swimming two times per week.

This will be brief:  I won’t be able to stay awake long enough to reply to your comments but be assured that I appreciate every one of you!  The prayers of all of you who read this blog give me the strength to continue in this “long obedience in the same direction.” 

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Thank you for your prayers of last week!  Dr. Carroll gave me a seven day delay, which means I did not go for chemo last week at all.  I will go in two days, on 10.19.09.  Evidently the short-term effects of chemo subside after about 22 days post-chemo, as I began to heal and strengthen and feel “normal” again!  That week of healing was a wise decision and I know many of you were praying for wisdom.  Thanks!

Here is the list of prayer points from Georgia, from last week:

“Let us join together in prayer, that:
– that the Lord will intervene and take charge of the whole treatment and healing process.
– that the Lord will magnify our limited and fallible, though heartfelt, prayers that they will avail for you mightily.
– that for every side-effect and difficulty you have (thus far) endured in this treatment, the real target, the cancer, is receiving a 10-fold assault and complete destruction.
– that the Lord will prevent further such deep suffering, danger and crisis in all future rounds of treatment.
– that He will let the most bitter cup pass from you.
– that He will direct all the destructive effects of the chemotherapy to be sent directly to any and every cancer cell that remains.
– that as you are joined with Him and we are joined with you and thus with each other in the fellowship of His suffering, that you will receive innumerable prevailing consolations, graces, mercies, even His peace and joy. (Philippians 3:10)
– that the Lord will draw from the prayers, intercessions and praises of innumerable fellow believers and sufferers around the world and throughout the ages, the spiritual power to see you and Stephen and your family through this every moment, every day.
In the Name that is above every name, Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.”

Coram Deo,

Margo

 Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Susan Hope Long Blair

Susan Hope Long Blair [1898-1965]

 Raised in NC, in a hard-working trade and farming community, Susan Hope Long was the eldest of eight children.  She quit her formal education, after grade eight, in order to work and help support her large family.  She and Raymond Blair were married in 1918 and had two children, both boys [Alton and Raymond].  During the next few years, she designed and supervised the building of the first and last home she and Raymond owned:  an Arts & Crafts style bungalow, in Winston-Salem, NC.  In 1943, Susan Hope sent both of her sons off to WWII, one to the Air Corps and one to the Navy.  Not knowing if they would ever return, this selfless act was one of supreme sacrifice and valor. 

Both sons did return from WWII, married, finished their education, began careers, and raised families.  Over the next two decades, Susan Hope became the matriarch of her entire family:  siblings, nieces, nephews, children, and grandchildren.  Long before the term “Elder Care” was first coined, she humbly dedicated herself to caring for her ailing parents in their own home. 

 She became the quintessential grandmother, creating beauty, as she lived out this motto of the Shakers:  “Our hearts to God and our hands to work:”  She played the piano and sang in the church choir, under the direction of her father, David Israel Long.  From her church, I learned to love ancient hymns and liturgy.  In her home, she sewed, baked, and cooked.  She also cut her own lawn, gardened, and canned her own fruit and vegetables. 

Hope Susan lovingly provided for me some of the happiest moments of my childhood.  She still inspires me today, in my new role as a grandmother.  I have only to look in the mirror each morning to be reminded of her, as I inherited her wavy, silver hair.  If I also inherited her virtue and strength of character, I will be very grateful.  Only time and suffering will bring this transformation to light.

 Mommo Blair, [pronounced “MAH-mah”], Round Two is dedicated to you! 

 Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Looking back on last weekend, I realize that I’ve lived a life [so far] that has been amazingly free of physical pain.  Of course, my two childbirths were painful [but of a short duration] and the positive outcomes swept away the memory of the pain of each labor!  

Last weekend, I was overcome with pain and I was decidedly non-heroic.  Let us have no illusions here, for I must create a faithful record of my journey.  Some people consider me heroic due to my decision to have a bi-lateral mastectomy with no reconstruction.  The decision was mentally agonizing for both Stephen & me but the post-operative pain was relatively mild and controllable.  The incision, which extends across my chest, rendered the surgical area numb.  Evidently, the surgery severs tiny nerves that may reconnect over time — or not at all.  My mood was elevated after surgery:  it was OVER and the lymph nodes were CLEAR.  Together, we all gave thanks and prayed that I would be spared further treatment.  If I appeared brave and strong [and even cheerful] it was because I held onto the hope that I was completely CURED and I thought I was through.  With both breasts removed, this seemed highly probable, right? 

I was shocked, as you were, when two oncologists told me that I must have chemo.  They said that maybe I was cured but could not say for sure!  Did the cancer spread through my bloodstream?  Will I have a recurrence of Breast Cancer?  Is chemo really necessary?  By what percentage will it decrease my risk of recurrence?  Will I survive it, as poisons course throughout my body, wreaking havoc with every system?  What will I gain with chemo?  What will I lose?  There are no clear answers!

After “running with footmen” [the surgery] came “competiting with horses” [the chemo] and on Day 6, I landed in ER.  I thought to myself, This is REAL suffering and I am not heroic.  That weekend brought me down low: physically and mentally. I have only six more days before I must submit to the next round.  Am I brave and strong? No, I am filled with dread, foreboding, and fear.

Where do you go when you are fearful?  I go to the Psalms.  The ancient Hebrews had a Psalter, a body of liturgical poetry, the hymnal of ancient Israel.  The Anglican Book of Common Prayer includes the Psalter and gives each of the 150 Psalms a brief title, in Latin, derived from the first phrase of each Psalm.  Psalm 46, for example, is Deus Noster Refugium:  God is our refuge and strength.  Verse 3 says, “Though its waters rage and foam, and though the mountains tremble at its tumult . . . “ 

These are some deep, turbulent waters I am in.  Yet  God is our hope and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Sounds romantic and poetic, doesn’t it?  Let me tell you, Stephen & I swam in the moonlight tonight and it was wonderful to get back in the pool.  I swam for only 1/2 hour, as I thought I should take it easy.  I’m happy to report that I’m back on track:  Today is my second day of not taking a nap and I’ve opened up my food options, beyond Ginger Ale and Saltines. My old humor is back, I caught myself humming today, and I am so grateful to be alive! 

Thank you for supporting me, in this refining fire!  I tell my swim students [I have two new ones!] that the water is designed to support us.  All we have to do is be willing to trust:  kick our feet up off the bottom of the pool floor, become horizontal, lean our heads back, breathe deeply, and relax — so that we can float!  All of you are as elemental as water to me:  I could not survive without you.  I trust that God will use us to support each other, through our various difficult journeys. 

Psalm 46:  Deus Noster Refugium

God is our hope and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore, will we not fear, though the earth be moved, and though the hills be carried into the midst of the sea;  Though the waters thereof rage and swell, and though the mountains shake at the tempest of the same.  There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacle of the Most Highest.  God is in the midst of her, therefore shall she not be removed; God shall help her, and that right early.  Be still then, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, and I will be exalted in the earth.  The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge.

Domine, Refugium.

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

I apologize for the delay in updating my blog.  I am gratified that so many of you noticed the omission and then telephoned or emailed to inquire about my health status.  I am surrounded and sustained by your care and attention.

You know that I try to keep the tone of this blog upbeat.  This time, all I can say is that it is wonderful to be alive today and that I am very grateful for my family & friends, without whose love and prayers I could not survive.

Here is what happened:  On Saturday morning, Day Six After Chemo Round One, I went to the Walk-In Clinic and they transported me via ambulance/EMS to the Emergency Room at the hospital.  My problems, which began Friday night, were debilitating migraine headache, “hypertension urgency,” [extremely high blood pressure, racing heart, blurred vision, dizziness] and vomiting.  I was, frankly, afraid that I would have a stroke or heart attack.  The ER MD ran tests [EKG, CT Scan, blood tests] and determined that I had not had a stroke or heart attack.  They addressed the pain with a narcotic that was 8x stronger than morphine, which knocked out the pain.  However, the narcotic caused me to be violently ill [vomiting] for the next 12 hours or so.  I was in ER for about 4-5 hours and went home Saturday afternoon.  I was able to sleep and drink some water on Sunday morning and keep that down. Now I have graduated to Ginger Ale and Saltines but I daydream about food I would like to eat.  I had some clear broth soup with noodles tonight!

The MD concluded that the headache was a result of the combination of chemo drugs, as I never have suffered from headaches of any type.  The hypertension was a result of the pain.  Stephen called my oncologist, Dr. Carroll, and he concurred.  

I’m resting comfortably at home, reading and watching musicals.  Stephen is taking expert care of me and Garrett came by to visit today, also.  Haley calls and sends iPhone photographs of our grandson, Benjamin, which cheers me up.

When you leave a comment, it means so much to me!  Lately, I have tried to reply to each comment.  So, if you see my name above your name, in the comments listing [with the colorful patchwork quilt icons], then you can jump to your comment and see my reply to you!

Psalm 121:  My help cometh from the LORD, who made heaven and earth . . . He watching over Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps.  [Selah.]

Immortal, invisible, God only wise, in light inaccessible, hid from our eyes.

Most blessed, most glorious, the Ancient of Days, almighty, victorious, thy great Name we praise!

Benedictus es, Domine.

Coram Deo,

Margo

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

Thank you for continuing to pray, to read, and to comment!  I swam 1/2 mile on Tuesday night and I plan to swim again tonight.  I feel amazingly well. I am struggling with unrelenting heartburn but that is caused by anti-nausea meds, so I’m taking Zantac.  Sleeping well. 

I’ll write more on the weekend but wanted you to know how much I appreciate you praying me through this first week.

Coram Deo,

Margo