Margot’s Corner

Mother’s Day 2010

Dear Faithful Family & Friends,

I wonder if you remember this custom, as I do, growing up in the 50’s and 60’s?  On Mother’s Day, girls and women wore a corsage to church:  a red carnation to honor a mother still living and a white carnation in memory of a mother no longer living.  The custom faded away before my mother died in June 2005.  So, here is my  “white corsage: ” a tribute to her.  To see photos of my mother, view the entry, “The Heroes Among Us:  First in a Series.”

The Mother I Never Knew:  A Tribute to Margaret Elizabeth “Peg” Van Hoy Blair

Born January 11, 1918 and Died June 20, 2005

Several years ago, my mother visited our Payne home in Tallahassee and recognized the cover illustration of a book on the coffee table.  She remarked, “Oh, I know a friend who is reading that same book, I Never Knew Jesus.” We shared a chuckle about that, because the title of the book was, in fact, The Jesus I Never Knew.

During the long, sad months of my mother’s illness, in 2005, I began to think about The Mother I Never Knew. What portrait might emerge, if I discovered a perspective of my mother that I never knew or appreciated – until now?

In my search for clues, I reviewed the photographs of my mother.  The year before Mother’s illness, my sisters [Susan and Amy] and I gathered the generational family photographs and created heirloom albums for my parents.  I relished the figure of little Margaret, circa 1922, the beloved child, a preschooler:  She wore a simple, handmade dress, Buster Brown shoes, wrinkled little socks, a bowl-cut hairstyle, a gentle smile, and a mischievous glint in her eyes.  I turned the album page and gazed upon the likenesses of Alton and Margaret, the college sweethearts, circa 1940, on a Guilford College Choir Trip.  On the next page, I pored over impressions of Alton & Margaret at Reynolds Park, in Winston-Salem, NC, during the summer of 1941, when they won the Swing Dance Competition.  As a sweetheart, Margaret’s eyes were laughing, full of happiness and young love.  I examined reflections of Margaret, as a bright-eyed, young newlywed, in 1946, on a crisp, fall morning, ready to walk to work at The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, where Alton was in graduate school.  I turned the page and studied the countenance of Margaret, in 1948, as a young mother.  Naturally, her eyes looked a little tired.

Page after page, I scrutinized the images of my mother’s face, through the years and decades, births and birthdays, school days and graduations, vacations and camping trips, holidays and family reunions, marriages and anniversaries:  Mother’s eyes were proud because of our accomplishments, wistful as we left home; her eyes were sometimes tired and sad, as she faced the “challenges and changes” of life:  military transfers, empty nest, retirement, loss, sorrow, and grief.

I wondered now, as I examined the photographs:  Besides being “our Mom,” did Mother have dreams and hopes of her own, separate from us?  I never thought to ask her.  Dreams and hopes are fragile.  In a home like ours, with four, active children, she probably “kept her hopes and dreams in the back of her mind, the only safe place in the house.”*

I continued to rummage around, gleaning hints of The Mother I Never Knew: I scanned my mother’s books and retrieved her college Psychology textbook from 1970.  That year, I was eighteen years old and a senior in high school.  My mother was 52.  After a twenty-five year hiatus [while raising her four children] Mother intended to return to her vocation as a secondary English teacher.  In preparation, she took evening college courses during that academic year.  Every afternoon, I arrived home and greeted my mother.  Her eyes were deep in study and her mind was focused and sharp.  I was proud of my mother.

After I left home for college, Mother served [briefly] as a substitute teacher and [for several years] as a community volunteer but she never returned to a full-time teaching profession.  I was disappointed in that; I had always hoped she would have a life beyond being “just a mom.”  If she had any regrets, she never mentioned them.

As I perused my mother’s 1970 textbook, I realized that now, in 2005, I was 52 years of age – the same age as she, when she studied for that course.  I turned the pages of the textbook and read my mother’s notes and comments, in the margin of every page.  Her notes revealed to me her hopes and dreams:  to understand herself, her family, and her community; to fulfill her role in the world and to make her life significant.  At the age of 52, she had personal goals and aspirations – some achieved and some yet unfulfilled — just as I did now, at 52 years of age.

I mused on this and continued to explore, as I organized her belongings.  My mother had a habit of scattering her eyeglasses throughout the house so I gathered, washed, and polished each pair.  I gently placed them together in a box, hoping she would return home soon to reclaim them and resume reading, solving crossword puzzles, and writing [“scribbling”] letters to family and friends.

I chuckled to myself as I found a Mother’s Day gift I had given Mother the year before her illness.  It was a beaded eyeglass “necklace.” I had hoped that she would wear it daily and keep her eyeglasses always at hand.  With the gift, I had enclosed a note card with a brief message.  I found the eyeglass “necklace” in a drawer, where Mother kept gifts that were simply too cherished and valuable to actually use.  She had carefully preserved the note card, treasuring the words, as much as the gift.  I tucked both the “necklace” and the note card into the box, with the eyeglasses, closed the lid, and placed it on my mother’s dresser.  Sadly, Mother never returned home.

The week after my mother died, my sisters and I sorted through my mother’s belongings.  It was a bittersweet task.  As we did this, we remembered, discovered, and appreciated more insights about our mother.  Together, we reviewed the family tree, history, and stories.  We tenderly preserved the very best of my mother’s “vintage” clothing, hats, gloves, and jewelry, remembering anecdotes to share with our daughters.

Later, alone in my mother’s bedroom, I retrieved the box of my mother’s eyeglasses.  I opened the lid and smiled ruefully, as I absorbed the reality that Mother would never come home again to use and then to loose her eyeglasses.  I held the beaded eyeglass “necklace” in my hands and re-read my hand-written note card to her:

Mother’s Day 2004

“Dear Mom, Thanks for always seeing me through the eyes of love.  Love, Margot.”

I had discovered the most important facet of The Mother I Never Knew:  For most of my adult life, I thought my mother lacked perception and careful observation.  I, who am quick to see faults and flaws, was impatient with my mother, who saw only the good in almost everyone.  I had often wondered why my mother did not look to the future and warn me about the various difficult “stages and phases” of life, as a wife and mother.

The truth seemed to be that she chose not to look too closely nor too far ahead.  She tried to enjoy every “stage and phase” and she met every “challenge and change” to the best of her ability, according to the resources that she possessed.  She expected and had every confidence that I would do the same.

The eyeglass “necklace” and note card, my Mother’s Day gift to her, was a reminder of her greatest gift to me:  She was “just a Mom” but she stubbornly looked past the reality of the imperfect person I always was, in order to see the potential of the person I could become.

I am glad that I was able to thank her, before she closed those eyes for the very last time.

Margot Blair Payne, Daughter; The Fourth Week of Pentecost, 2005; Tallahassee, FL

*Paraphrased quote is from the author, Erma Bombeck.

Dear Faithful Family & Friends,

April 2009 – Apalachicola, FL

My sisters [above] and I refer to ourselves as “The Three Treasures.” I borrowed this phrase from an incident in the film, Sarah, Plain and Tall [or perhaps it was from the sequel, Skylark] in which Sarah travels back home to visit her unmarried aunts.  It was Sarah’s grandfather [the father of the aunts] who bestowed on his adult daughters the collective endearment, “My Unclaimed Treasures.” I always loved that term and, so, although each of us is married, I  told my sisters that we were “The Treasures.”

I am almost certain that my sisters, Susan and Amy, will forgive me for not asking permission to post the above photo when I tell you [and them] that this photo, from one year ago, represents one of the most pleasurable days in my life.  A year ago, my sisters traveled to my home for our annual “Sister’s Reunion” and, from Tallahassee, we took a day trip to the charming and historic gulf port town of Apalachicola, FL, near St. George Island. We toured the historic buildings & homes, walked the cobblestone streets, poked around in the antique and gift shops, and enjoyed lunch at a sidewalk cafe.

The ironic thing about this day with my sisters is that I had just received a phone call from the diagnostic laboratory, reminding me that I was scheduled for a mammogram.  I quickly decided to reschedule that appointment for two weeks in the future.  I remember thinking, “I don’t have time for a mammogram now!  Ridiculous! My sisters are in town!” So, I rescheduled the test for May and the rest is history — at least, as it is recorded in this blog [see the first entry.]

Above you see me in a “before” photo, on a care-free day with my sisters, before I received the news that would alter my life.  When that word arrived, I was very glad that my sisters and I had enjoyed our care-free week.  I was fortunate that my “Treasures” would be there to support me throughout the long year, just as we had supported each other in the past. Sometimes we seem like “three peas in a pod;” sometimes our differences exasperate us.  Nevertheless, the essential fact is that we are there for each other, through all the “challenges and changes” of life and I often wonder, “Where would I be without my Treasures?”

So, here’s to you, my Treasures and Unsung Heroes,

Coram Deo,

Margot

The First Week of Eastertide

Dear Faithful Family & Friends,

I apologize for the long delay in updating my blog!  I am doing very well; in fact, since I wrote to you in March, I have been on two “real” trips and one “imaginary” trip.  More about that later!

I continue to receive Herceptin infusions, every three weeks.  I have had no side effects except a little blurry vision on the day of infusion.  I am sad to report that my  breast oncologist in Gainesville, Dr. Robert Carroll, closed his practice:  the insurance companies refused to reimburse him for the cost of the chemotherapy drugs.  I am grateful that Dr. Carroll and his team helped me get through the nightmare of chemotherapy but I am sad for the women in the future who will not benefit from his unique practice.

Dr. Mabry in Tallahassee is now my oncologist; Erin is his nurse and I have received expert care from the practice.

This will be short but, in my next update, I will provide photos and describe my travels.

Coram Deo,

Margot

The Second Week in Lent

Dear Faithful Family & Friends,

Ever since my friend, John Bowers, created this blog, I have thought about the title and photo he chose for me.  I determined that I would create a series for the blog, entitled Margo’s Book Corner. As the photo implies, I like old books: classic books that have stood the test of time.  I agree with Will Rogers who said, “Whenever a new book comes out, I read an old one.” The About section of this blog describes me as “appreciating all things ancient and sacred.” So, here is the first installment of Margot’s Book Corner and Lent is the first subject, which perfectly meshes my two interests:  old, classic books with ancient and sacred traditions.

I am relatively new to Anglicanism and, so, I am trying to deepen my understanding of the meaning of Lent.  For the past few years, my Lenten reading has centered around the book, Bread and Wine:  Readings for Lent and Easter, Plough Publishing House, 2003.  It is a collection of 72 thoughtful and challenging essays, each written by a different author. The six sections of the book are entitled:  Invitation, Temptation, Passion, Crucifixion, Resurrection, and New Life. There are contributions from some my favorite non-living authors: Augustine, Barth, Bonhoeffer, Chambers, Chesterton, Donne, and Lewis; and from some of my favorite living authors:  Wendell Berry, Thomas Howard, Peter Kreeft, Alister McGrath, John Stott, and N. T. Wright.  [Proviso:  I cannot recommend all of the authors; I skip over the authors whom I do not appreciate.]

Here is a new book I am adding to my reading list for Lent.  I learned about it from the blog of my daughter, Haley.   Below she describes Signs of Life by Scott Hahn:

It’s divided into 40 small chapters, (Baptism, the Mass, Marriage, Confession, Pilgrimage, etc.) and so fits perfectly in the 40 days of Lent, if we read one chapter a day. Hahn explains that, in our Lenten sacrifice, be it food or otherwise, “We return it all to God for forty days, not because any of it is ‘bad,’ but because it is indeed very good. Only good things should be offered in sacrifice to God; only the best of the harvest could be offered as a tithe. We give them to God so that we learn not to put anything in God’s place in our lives.”

Isn’t that a great quote?  I have been thinking about this all week and I invite you to think about this, also:  What are the “good things” that we might offer in sacrifice to God during Lent?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[This past Sunday, we sang this beautiful anthem by Franz Peter Schubert:]

Jesus, Lamb of God:  have mercy on us.  Jesus, bearer of our sins: have mercy on us.  Jesus, Redeemer, Redeemer of the world:  Give us your peace, give us your peace.

Coram Deo,

Margot

Dear Faithful Family & Friends,

It has been seven days since Herceptin #2 and I am continuing to feel extremely well.  I am very grateful and I thank you for your continued prayers!   I feel well enough to resume swimming in the outdoor, heated city pool. If only it were not so cold — snow is possible this week!  I am a bit wimpy at the moment but I promise to make up for that when the warm season begins.

Now, I know the question on everyone’s mind:   Is Margot’s hair growing? I am happy to report that it is!  The new growth is as fine and soft as the down of a gosling.  If I were a horse, you could name me “Diamond” because of the clear shape on the crown of my head.  Inside the diamond is the pure “salt” color.  Surrounding the diamond shape is the “salt & pepper” — with enough “pepper” to show a stark contrast to the “salt” in the diamond.  This is not a new development, however!

Oddly, I have settled into a strange malaise or ennui, after recovering from the ravages of chemotherapy.  On the one hand, I am elated to be finished with chemotherapy. In fact, Stephen & I are celebrating by going to Disney in two weeks!

On the other hand, it does not seem that very much is happening in the battle, since the ravages of Herceptin are undetectable to me. With chemotherapy, you have the formidable presence of a strong, fierce ally, in spite of the fact that you spend half the time fighting the side effects.

During the chemotherapy phase, you never forget that you are fighting against cancer.  However, at this stage, I have to remind myself that the battle is ongoing.  If even I need to remind myself, is it possible that the interest of my friends & family will wane, now that the drama of the surgery and chemotherapy is over?

Thanks for being with me thus far in the battle! I will continue this blog, updating about once every two weeks; I will write on a variety of topics.

ONE in EIGHT women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and it is my hope that this blog will help one of the women that you know and love.  Dear friends & family, do something loving for St. Valentine’s Day: Encourage the women [over 40] in your life to get regular mammograms!   It was this test that detected my tumor, while it was still Stage One.

By the way, you can subscribe to this blog so that you will automatically know when I update.  You can also subscribe by using a RSS reader.

Deus noster refugium. Psalm 46.1-2

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth be moved, and though the mountains be toppled into the depth of the sea.

Coram Deo,

Margot

P. S.  I finally wrote something in the “About” section.

My grandson, Benjamin, celebrated his first birthday yesterday!  For photos, see my daughter’s blog:  http://www.carrotsformichaelmas.wordpress.com.

The Season of Epiphany 2010

Dear Family & Friends,

This year, Garrett will start off our Payne Family News, in his own words:

“Garrett is still showing up for work at Marquis Software Development, Inc. where he has been doing so for almost five years now.

He went to Germany for a couple of weeks in July 2009.  He flew into Berlin and rented a car.  He and the car traveled at ridiculous rates of speed on the German Autobahn before safely arriving in Switzerland to attend a friend’s wedding in Herisau, CH.  After the wedding he toured Bavaria before returning to Berlin.  On the last night in Europe he saw the music group U2 at the Olympiastadion in Berlin (the venue for the 1936 World Olympics).

Garrett plays bass and sings in his friend’s music group, In Wrath.  The name is taken from the Biblical prayer of Habakkuk: ” . . . in wrath remember mercy.”  His friend “thought it sounded cool.”  The band went to Athens, GA in October to record an album at Chase Park Transduction Studios.  They recorded ten songs to analogue tape.  In Wrath plans on releasing the album this year on 12” vinyl and iTunes Music Store.

When he is not working or playing music, Garrett enjoys going to the local gun range and shooting ridiculous looking, high-caliber weapons.

Garrett realizes that his year, although great, will be overshadowed by his sister’s, with the birth of her and her husband’s firstborn.  Garrett promises to step up his game next year.”

[Garrett in Switzerland, Summer 2009].

[Margot resumes]:  On 02.08.09, Daniel & Haley, in Waco, TX, welcomed their first child, Benjamin Daniel Stewart.  Margot [“Marmee”] traveled to Waco and stayed for one week before and after the birth.  She served as “doula” in the birthing room and witnessed the birth of her first grandchild! “Grandaddy” Stephen and Uncle Garrett traveled to TX to meet Benjamin, as did Daniel’s family. Daniel, Haley, and Benjamin live in community with five other adults, in a rural setting, on Windover Farm. In addition to their jobs and studies, the adults have raised vegetables, chickens, and sheep.  The sounds of farm animals — including horses, cows, goats, dogs, and cats — are not only words on a page but are a daily reality in Benjamin’s universe.

Daniel, Haley, and Benjamin traveled to join the Blair Clan at the Annual Summer Reunion in Beech Mountain, NC and then to Tallahassee, to spend time with Daniel’s family.  Benjamin enjoyed his first Christmas in Tallahassee, with both the Payne & Stewart families.

Congratulations to Daniel, who graduated from Baylor University in December 2009!  Haley worked full-time at Baylor University last year but is now home full-time with Benjamin, while Daniel works at the Methodist Boys’ Home. Daniel, Haley, and Benjamin plan to move back home to Tallahassee this summer!

[Haley, Benjamin, and Daniel Stewart, December 2009.]

Stephen & Margot [photo below] heartily thank family and friends for prayer, words of encouragement, and gestures of kindness and generosity during the past seven months.  Many of you know that Margot was diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2009.  For details and updates, see Margot’s blog:

www.margopayne.wordpress.com.

In spite of the difficulties of last year, we have much to be thankful for!  The family members featured above represent some of our richest blessings; having all of them living in the same town is like a dream come true.  We are thankful also for 37 years of marriage, our extended family and friends, our neighbors, and our church family at St. Peter’s Anglican.

We always enjoy receiving Christmas cards, letters, and photographs from you.  This letter is our attempt to encourage future communiqués from you.  We cherish our friendship with each one of you, in spite of distance and time.

Coram Deo,

Stephen & Margot Payne

P.S. Yes, this is a new spelling for Margot.  You may read about the reason for this change, on Margot’s blog update entitled Vision.

The Second Sunday After Christmas

I have recovered from my virus and I attended Worship Service this morning at St. Peter’s Anglican Church. [I missed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day Worship.]  However, it is still the Season of Christmas [The Twelve Days of Christmas] so I enjoyed singing Christmas carols & hymns this morning.

Today, I want to share with you a link to an article:

http://www.baylor.edu/content/services/document.php/98764.pdf

The article is entitled, The Triumph of the Eye, by Dr. Ralph Wood, a Baylor University Professor of Theology and Literature.  The article originally appeared in the journal, Christian Reflection, Issue 33, the theme of which was Women and the Church. This journal is published by Baylor University’s Department of Philosophy:  Center for Christian Ethics, www.ChristianEthics.ws

Both my daughter, Haley, and her husband, Daniel, have taken courses from Dr. Wood at Baylor University. Dr. Wood and his wife, Suzanne, have been friends and mentors to Daniel, Haley, Stephen, and me.

You can read more about Dr. Wood at http://homepages.baylor.edu/ralph_wood

I hope you will thoughtfully read the entire article.  Here are some excerpts to whet your appetite:

. . . In a society ever more determined by visual appeal, men begin to desire women who conform to a certain shape and look perpetually young.  Women, in turn, strive to conform to eye-driven male desire.  How can we reshape imagination to prefer spiritual vision to mere sight?

. . . The giant success of the American cosmetic surgery business and the pervasiveness of eating disorders are markers of what C. S. Lewis calls the demonic triumph of the eye . . . .

. . . Regarding our face as our most distinguishing characteristic, C. S. Lewis insists that we cannot have true faces apart from true faith in God.  There are huge implications for overcoming the devilish deceits of the eye in our time . . .

. . . Almost all the icons of the Virgin Mary depict her with dark half-circles under her eyes.  Far from marring her beauty, these signs of suffering actually enhance her beauty. . . .

I was captivated by the truth which Dr. Wood so perfectly articulates.  I began the journey of the past six months with a prayer:  that pure silver would emerge out of the refining fire and that beauty would arise out of the ashes of suffering.  I imagine that I am not yet done with suffering and refining in this life.  However, I have been formed and transformed by the events of the past six months.  Therefore, today, I begin to spell my name differently, to signify the intention of my changed life:  seeking to become wise in vision, not sight, and having a new understanding of the concept of suffering and its relationship to beauty.

Coram Deo,

Margot

P. S.

Phase One of therapy is now over.  Four Rounds of Chemotherapy was the irreducible minimum.  Ideally, Dr. Carroll wanted me to have Six Rounds of Chemotherapy but, since three of the four rounds sent me to the Walk-In Clinic and two rounds sent me also to the ER, Stephen and I asked Dr. Carroll if we could stop after the Fourth Round.

Phase Two of therapy begins tomorrow morning, when Stephen & I travel to Gainesville, to Dr. Carroll’s office, where I will be infused with Herceptin, once every three weeks.  This Phase Two will continue until October, 2010.

The First Sunday of Christmas

Dear Faithful Praying Family & Friends,

I apologize for the delay in updating my blog.  The first week after Chemo Round was uneventful but, on Day 8, I became quite ill from a virus.  [By Day 8 after chemo, my white blood count is always in the basement so I have no way to fight off a virus.]  By Day 10, my temperature reached 102 degrees and Dr. Carroll directed Stephen to take me to the Walk In Clinic.  From there – you guessed it – EMS transported me to the ER, where my face is [unfortunately] becoming a familiar sight.  I spent the next six hours, hooked up to IV’s for hydration and I submitted to a battery of tests.  It was not H1N1, thanks be to God.

After I went home, I was weak as a kitten and Stephen had to do everything for me.  My temperature remained 101-102 degrees until Day 14, when my white blood counts came back up again.  Finally, the fever broke and I have been getting better and stronger every day:  able to sleep comfortably, eat some food, take a shower by myself, etc.  I’ve been in bed for six days, listening to Haley’s 20-CD unabridged recording of Little Women.

The highlight of the last few days was the safe arrival of Daniel, Haley and Benjamin, on the early morning of the 23^rd.  I saw Daniel & Haley on Christmas Eve and finally got to see all three of them on Christmas Day.  So, in spite of everything, I have still had a Merry Christmas, thanks to their visit.

Tonight, I ventured out of the house for the first time in eight days.  Stephen took Haley & me to see the film, Young Victoria, which I highly recommend.

I’ll keep this short, as I feel neither physically or mentally strong enough to write much more.  However, I did want to let all of you dear ones know how I am doing.

Coram Deo,

Margo