Tag Archives: marriage

September 1, 2012 · 10:43 am

The Sacred and the Mundane

September 2, 1973 – September 2, 2012

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow, My Professor and I will celebrate thirty-nine years of marriage.  Every year, on our wedding anniversary, I share with my readers an essential quote or a story about Courtship, Engagement, Love, or Marriage.

Click here to read the most important quote you will ever read on Love and Marriage, representing the sacramental aspect of marriage.

My story, It Began With Roses, highlights the romance of love and courtship.

In Not a Word, I share with my readers the humor within a marriage.

Sometimes marriage is a serious, solemn commitment, which I describe in  Unsung Heroes.

Marriage is sacred but it is also mundane:

“For all its joys, any intense friendship or marriage has aspects that can seem burdensome.  

There is not only an investment of time, but an investment of self that is required for a relationship to exist and grow and flourish.  

Even more difficult than the physical accommodations are the accommodations of identity:  from the perspective of individual “freedom,” to be in a relationship of love will change us and cost us.  

It will require us to restructure our priorities.  

It may compromise our plans.  

It will demand sacrifice.  

It will alter the pattern of our thoughts and desires and may transform our vision of the world.  

It’s not just ‘your life’ or ‘my life’ anymore — it’s ‘ours.’  

Seen in this light, it can seem that staying at arm’s length and not engaging or investing would seem easier and safer — even if ultimately unhappier — than risking openness to love’s transforming power and answering its claims on us.

Sometimes marriage or other friendships feel euphoric and energizing:  other times, they are tedious, empty, wearying routines, or just plain work.  

The point is that being committed to any love relationship takes daily nurturing, daily effort, and daily practices that build it up.  

Neglecting these will slowly break the relationship down.  

Nurturing grudges or selfish claims instead will erode it and make us resentful of a relationship that now feels like a suffocating trap.  

Kathleen Norris once said that married love is “eternal, but it’s also daily, about as daily and unromantic as housekeeping.”  

It is through daily practices and disciplines, whether we feel like doing them or not, that the decision to love is renewed and refreshed, and the commitment of love is kept alive.”

[From the book, Glittering Vices: A New Look at the Seven Deadly Sins and Their Remedies, by Rebecca Konyndyk DeYoung, Brazos Press, 2009.]

The vocation of Marriage is both sacred and eternal.

But in practical terms, we live out our vocation of Marriage in the daily and mundane.

May we be faithful in living out the vocation of marriage:  “a long obedience in the same direction.”  

Coram Deo,

Margot

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June 25, 2012 · 2:20 pm

Three Words to Consider

A Section of the Bayeux Tapestry, France

Dear Readers,

Readers of The Lord of the Rings appreciate the genius of G. K. Chesterton, the professional philologist:  one who loves words.  Below this entry, you will find a brief definition and derivation of the word, philology:  both of which will strengthen and enlarge the meaning of the word, beyond merely “one who loves words.”

Although not classically trained as a philologist, I  love language, learning, and literature.

I am pleased to introduce you to my friend, Rick Stewart, a fellow amateur philologist, who has graciously agreed to be my Guest Blogger today.   He will challenge our common assumptions about the meaning of three simple words.

Thanks, Rick, for your insightful comments.  I hope you will be a “regular contributor” to this blog.  Please return with the enhanced meaning of additional words!

Coram Deo,

Margot

THREE WORDS TO CONSIDER

by Rick Stewart

COMFORT:

I once read a commentary by Lucien Coleman who told of seeing a tapestry hanging in France with a section entitled “Edward Comforts His Troops.”  The tapestry depicted the king on horseback behind his soldiers with a lance pointed strategically at their backsides. This illustrates the complex meaning of the word comfort.

As Christians, we receive God’s comfort during the inevitable trials and suffering of this world.  Parakaleo in the original Greek means coming alongside to encourage. It does not mean escape from difficulty or being at ease.  It was used as a word for a legal counsel or a coach in an athletic event.  With that in mind, consider how the following passage calls for action rather than rest.  This kind of comfort gives counsel and direction.  God often does not take us out of our trouble but puts his strong arm around us and walks with us through it.   We should do the same for others.

II Corinthians 1 (NIV 1984)

3  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

4  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

5  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

6  If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

7  And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

WAIT:

Another word enriched by examination is wait.  A famous exhortation from Psalm 27:14 says:  Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!

God’s timing is often not synchronized with our expectations. This Psalm reminds us to be patient because God is always faithful.  I think the word wait should also be a call to action; to active waiting, much like a waiter at a restaurant.  We must seek God’s orders for the present and be attentive to His desires within his timing.  I don’t want to carry the analogy too far but the idea of lethargic inactivity just doesn’t seem to be God’s will for anybody’s life.  I want to be the kind of waiter that God asks for when calling for reservations.

CLEAVE:

In premarital counseling, I have often quoted Genesis 2:24:

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. 

The rhyme helps couples remember that God’s essentials for successful marriage include leaving and cleaving.

I then point out that cleave has two meanings and one result. In the quoted verse the idea of cleave is to cling to or unite with.  But another meaning is to cut apart or separate – for example, when a butcher uses a meat cleaver.  How can both these meanings help in marriage?  The key is the result – cleavage.  Cleavage is created when two separate things come together.  Cleavage cannot be created with one thing.   Marriage is not one person subjugating or absorbing another.  A successful marriage happens when two people each seek to follow God’s will for their individual life.  As each gets closer to God, they will inevitably draw closer to each other.  Cleavage is created.  Cleavage is not a thing; it is the space between two things.  It has no substance, yet it is very real. This is the mystery of how a man and a woman can maintain individuality and still become one flesh.

Rick Stewart

Rick is an ordained minister and currently serves as Chaplain at Covenant Hospice.  He and his wife, Carole, reside in Tallahassee and are members of Bradfordville Baptist Church.  Stephen and I are honored to know them as friends and to share with them the joys of grand-parenting.

They are parents to Daniel and Vanessa.  They are also grandparents to Benjamin and Lucy, the children of Daniel and Haley Stewart.  They are looking forward to the birth of their third grandbaby, when Travis & Vanessa Fletcher welcome their first-born child, later this year!

Philology

[Source:  Wikipedia]

Philology is the study of language in written historical sources; it is a combination of literary studies, history and linguistics.[1]

Classical philology is the philology of Greek and Classical Latin.  Classical philology is historically primary, originating in European Renaissance Humanism, but was soon joined by philologies of other languages both European (Germanic, Celtic, Slavistics, etc.) and non-European (Sanskrit, Persian, Arabic, Chinese, etc.). Indo-European studies involves the comparative philology of all Indo-European languages.

Any classical language can be studied philologically, and indeed describing a language as “classical” is to imply the existence of a philological tradition associated with it.

Because of its focus on historical development (diachronic analysis), philology came to be used as a term contrasting with linguistics.  This is due to a 20th-century development triggered by Ferdinand de Saussure‘s insistence on the importance of synchronic analysis, and the later emergence of structuralism and Chomskyan linguistics with its emphasis on syntax.

The term philology is derived from the Greek φιλολογία (philologia),[2] from the terms φίλος (philos), meaning “love, affection, loved, beloved, dear, friend” and λόγος(logos), meaning “word, articulation, reason,” describing a love of learning, of literature as well as of argument and reasoning, reflecting the range of activities included under the notion of λόγος.  

The term changed little with the Latin philologia, and later entered the English language in the 16th century, from the Middle French philologie, in the sense of “love of literature.”   [Wikipedia] 

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February 11, 2012 · 10:14 pm

A Valentine from “Will”

For Sunday Morning:

It is rather busy around our home on Sunday morning so I am posting this “Valentine” on Saturday night . . .

It will be easy for you to guess the full name of this famous British author, whose family gave him the nickname of “Will.”   He wrote 154 Love Sonnets, each of which would be perfect as the “sentiment” inside of a Hallmark card.  However, I only chose one for today.  Below the sonnet, I have included some keys to interpretation.

If you saw the film, “Sense & Sensibility,” with Emma Thompson, this sonnet will be very familiar to you.   Before the film [1994] I had never heard the poem:  When I heard Marianne [Kate Winslet] recite the sonnet, at the word, “bark,” the image of a dog floated before my eyes.  I hope at least one of my readers will assure me that I am not alone in this . . .

Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds


Admit impediments. Love is not love


Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark


That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand’ring bark,

Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks


Within his bending sickle’s compass come.

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out ev’n to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are some clues to the interpretation of this sonnet, from The Top 500 Poems, Edited by William Harmon, Columbia Anthology:

“Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar claims to be as ‘constant as the northern star’ – that is, the Pole Star that seems not to move, while all other stars revolve around it and which can still be used in informal navigation.  Ink has been spilt over the reading of Line 8, which probably refers to the star [whose elevation or celestial altitude can be known by instruments] but may refer to the bark [ship].”

William Shakespeare (baptized 26 April 1564; died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world’s pre-eminent dramatist.  He is often called England’s national poet and the “Bard of Avon.”  His surviving works, including some collaborations, consist of about 38 plays, 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, and several other poems. His plays have been translated into every major living language and are performed more often than those of any other playwright. [Wikipedia]


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February 9, 2012 · 11:20 am

Two Valentines from “Tollers”


“Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes:

in the sense that almost certainly

(in a more perfect world,

or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one)

both partners might be found more suitable mates.

But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.”

~~J. R. R. Tolkein, “Tollers,”

from a letter to his son, Michael Tolkien, March 1941.


And here is an excerpt from a letter, written by J. R. R .Tolkien to his son, Christopher Tolkien.  In the letter, the father explains to the son why he wishes to include the name “Luthien” on the tombstone of his wife, Edith:

“She was (and knew she was) my Luthien.  I will say no more now.  

But I should like ere long to have a long talk with you.

For if, as seems probable, I shall never write any ordered biography — it is against my nature, which expresses itself about things deepest felt in the tales and myths — someone close in heart to me should know something  about things that records do not record:

The dreadful sufferings of our childhoods,  from which we rescued one another, but could not wholly heal wounds that later often proved disabling;  the sufferings that we endured after our love began — all of which (over and above personal weaknesses) might help to make pardonable, or understandable, the lapses and darknesses which at times marred our lives — and to explain how these never touched our depths nor dimmed the memories of our youthful love.

For ever (especially when alone) we still met in the woodland glade and went hand in hand many times to escape the shadow of imminent death before our last parting.”

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien,  [3 January 1892 — 2 September 1973]

He was an English writer, poet, philologist, and university professor, best known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion.

P. S.

My son-in-law, Daniel, was born on Tolkien’s birth day, 01.03.1985.

My Professor and I were married on the exact day and year of Tolkien’s death:  09.02.1973.


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September 10, 2011 · 7:04 pm

Where Beauty and Grace Reside

One of the things I appreciate most about having adult children is the opportunity to learn from them, especially about thoughtful books and films.  A few years ago, our son, Garrett, introduced us to the sleeper film, The Painted Veil.  Ironically, only a few days later, our daughter, Haley, telephoned me from Texas and said, “You and Dad have to see this film!”  

During September, our wedding anniversary month, I think about weighty quotes, on the nature of love and marriage, that are substantial enough to ponder and to share with you, my Faithful Readers.  While re-watching The Painted Veil, I found them.

The Painted Veil film is based upon the same-titled novel, by W. Somerset Maugham [pronounced, “Mom”], English dramatist & novelist (1874 – 1965).  The title, in turn, is based upon the Sonnet, Lift Not the Painted Veil, by Percy Bysshe Shelley, 1792-1822.

Here is the sonnet, since it is very short:

Lift Not the Painted Veil

by Percy Bysshe Shelley

Lift not the painted veil which those who live
Call Life: though unreal shapes be pictured there,
And it but mimic all we would believe
With colours idly spread,—behind, lurk Fear
And Hope, twin Destinies; who ever weave
Their shadows, o’er the chasm, sightless and drear.
I knew one who had lifted it—he sought,
For his lost heart was tender, things to love,
But found them not, alas! nor was there aught
The world contains, the which he could approve.
Through the unheeding many he did move,
A splendour among shadows, a bright blot
Upon this gloomy scene, a Spirit that strove
For truth, and like the Preacher found it not.

Here is a very brief summary of the book:  The Painted Veil, W. Somerset Maugham, 1925:

“A quiet, uncluttered, straightforward book in its rendition of the pitfalls of adultery. When Walter Fane discovers his wife Kitty’s involvement with another man, Charles, he takes her to Mei-tan-fu, a far off place in China during a cholera epidemic. Kitty, brought up never wanting, raised to marry well, shallow and ignorant of sacrifice and devotion discovers what and how it is to be compassionate as she faces unimaginable poverty, hardship and death in this ‘painted veil called life.’ ” [From A Thousand Books and Quotes, a blog]

I hope the following quotes [from the book] will encourage you to read the book and watch the film, in whichever order you prefer.  As for me, I watched the film first and  I read the book later and, as I recall, the two were slightly different.  Watch the film because it is visually  stunning.  Read the book because the language is masterful.

Proviso:  The film is achingly beautiful but it is intense.

The Painted Veil may challenge your assumptions about the nature of love and marriage.  It will certainly provide “food and drink” for hours of rich conversation with one, two, three, or more persons.

I would love to read your thoughts on the book and/or film.  Submit a Reply to me and we can converse!

Quotes from the book:

‘One cannot find peace in work or in pleasure, in the world or in a convent, but only in one’s soul.’

‘Remember that it is nothing to do your duty, that is demanded of you and is no more meritorious than to wash your hands when they are dirty; the only thing that counts is the love of duty; when love and duty are one, then grace is in you and you will enjoy a happiness which passes all understanding.’

‘Beauty is also a gift of God, one of the most rare and precious, and we should be thankful if we are happy enough to possess it and thankful if we are not, that others possess it for our pleasure.’

‘I have an idea that the only thing which makes it possible to regard this world we live in without disgust is the beauty which now and then men create out of the chaos. The pictures they paint, the music they compose, the books they write, and the lives they lead. Of all these the richest in beauty is the beautiful life. That is the perfect work of art.’

‘Each member of the orchestra plays his own little instrument, and what do you think he knows of the complicated harmonies which unroll themselves on the indifferent air? He is concerned only with his small share. But he knows that the symphony is lovely, and though there’s none to hear it, it is lovely still, and he is content to play his part.’

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February 11, 2011 · 5:25 pm

It Began with Roses

For St. Valentine’s Day

Dear Readers,

My husband, Stephen, and I poke fun at each other a lot, which is one of the secrets to a long and happy marriage:  Be willing and able to make fun of yourself first and then learn to make fun, kindly, of each other.  But I digress . . .

I have previously mentioned, in My Funny Valentine,  that my husband is a professor, a Ph. D. in Statistics, a consultant, and an INTP, according to the Myers-Briggs Temperament Type Indicator.  When I make fun of him, I sometimes refer to him as, “Mr. Excitement,” or “Dr. Adventure,” or I might say, “ I Married Romance.”  Yes, I tease him but the truth is that, over 40 years ago, our relationship began with Romance:

At the high school [circa 1970] which Stephen & I both attended, it was opening night for “How to Succeed In Business,” the Spring Musical:  I was performing in the musical and was backstage, in the Women’s Dressing Room, applying stage make-up, when one of my girlfriends popped her head in the door, telling me that a male visitor was waiting outside in the hallway.

I know exactly how Fanny Brice felt, when she opened her dressing room door and saw the elegant Nicky Arnstein for the first time:  For I was absolutely mesmerized and speechless, when I opened the door and the very handsome and dignified Stephen Payne appeared, with a gift:  a vase, with a dozen American Beauty, long-stemmed, red roses — for me!

In one moment, the [painful] memory of my Previous Boyfriend [PB] was swept away and the tonic, the cure, the panacea for that previous troubled relationship was Stephen with those red roses.

I recognized in an instant, “Oh, yes, this is for me!  This is what I want!  This is how I want to be treated!”  

And, the next day, when PB stopped by my house, the roses were on prominent display in the living room.  I ignored the flowers yet I suspected that PB  was eager to negotiate a way to surreptitiously read the card attached to the floral arrangement.  If he had been successful, he would have read, “Dear Margot:  To me, you are already a star, so best of luck on your opening night.  Sincerely, Stephen.”

 

I suppose it is possible  to order up and personally deliver flowers and yet still be a cad.  However, Stephen was a gentleman and he knew how to treat a young woman as a lady.  He invited me to attend the Junior-Senior Prom, when the event was still a month away.  [I admit that it was with suppressed glee that I said “No, thanks; I already have a date,” when PB invited me to the same prom, only one week before the event.]

Stephen always arrived early for each of our dates and came inside to greet my parents.  He respected my curfew and insisted on returning me home early, to visit, once again, with my parents.

One day, he heard me speak unkindly to my mother and, privately, he took me aside and told me, in no uncertain terms, that I should never do that again.  I was filled with shame because, of course, he was correct.

He treated each member of my family [my grandfather, father, mother, and siblings] with respect and taught me to do the same.

Stephen invited me to his home for family dinners, holidays, and special occasions.  He was respectful toward all the members of his family.  He admired his hard-working mother, a single parent.

Stephen and his two sisters lived with their mother, their grandmother, and their step-grandfather.  I liked them all immensely.  His family — the positive dynamics and the mutual respect –was a huge draw for me.

After all, a young man who, without embarrassment, kisses his mother good-night, in front of his girlfriend, is a rare gem, indeed.

Before graduation from high school, Stephen told me that he intended to marry me one day.  But that fall, I went to Florida State University [FSU] and he went to the University of California at Berkeley [UCB].

For three years, we stayed busy with our respective classes and jobs and visited each other during the summer and winter breaks. We kept in touch almost daily with letters [paper, pen, envelopes, stamps] and I still remember the excitement of opening up my mailbox at the FSU Post Office, to find inside a letter from Stephen.

 

 

I jumped up whenever I heard the sound of the buzzer in my dorm room, alerting me that I had a telephone call waiting.  I ran like a shot, down the hall, to sit in the “booth” and talk on the hall telephone, which I shared with about 24 other young women [but not at the same time!].  Stephen told me recently that those once-a-week long-distance phone calls cost him about $100 a month.

Three years later, in April, 1973, Stephen left UCB and moved to Tallahassee.  On September 2, 1973 we were married and moved into an efficiency apartment.  He transferred to FSU and we each graduated during the years 1974-1975.

And now we have been married for almost 40 years.

I am friends with many young women, in college and in graduate school, and this is what I tell them:  Do not fall in love with a selfish man.  It will most certainly lead to sorrow.  And I will remind them of a quote from C. S. Lewis:  “Selfish people are so difficult to love — for so little love flows out of them.”

Since my husband rarely reads this blog, I can safely tell you this:  It began with roses, it flourished into friendship, and matured into married love.

My statistician husband — generous, unselfish, kind, hard-working, respectful, and wise — does not observe  St. Valentine’s Day; yet, now you know the truth:  I Married Romance.

Coram Deo,

Margot

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February 13, 2010 · 8:21 pm

My Funny Valentine

heart-roses1

Dear Readers:

Today is St. Valentine’s Day, a day fraught with the potential for disappointment and disillusionment.  And that is a real shame — because it is a contrived and artificial Special Occasion, seeming to bear little relationship to its origins.  My question is:  Who was St. Valentine, anyway?  

Here is the result of my pitiful and paltry research:

“Until the late fourteenth century, St. Valentine, who suffered martyrdom on February 14, was remembered as just another of the church’s many saints.  In the early 1400’s, Valentine began to be associated with romantic love and courtship; and eventually, he became the patron of lovers.  Today, Valentine’s Day is celebrated with the exchange of cards and candy among schoolmates, friends, and family.  Society appears to have little interest in remembering St. Valentine himself, preferring to maintain an emphasis on romantic love.” *

My husband, Stephen, a Ph. D. in Statistics, is a retired university professor, software developer, and classic INTP [Myers-Briggs Personality Type].  He sees absolutely no correlation between Hallmark and Romance.  So, in advance, I know that today there will be no greeting cards, candy, flowers, jewelry, or dining out.  The day will pass without notice.

However, do not feel sorry for me.  On the contrary:  Try not to be envious of me when I tell you that, only last week, I received this love-note:

You see, Stephen often gets up at “dark-thirty” in the morning and goes to work before I stumble into the kitchen.  Last week, he left the above “love-note” for me, attached to the espresso maker, where he was positive I would find it.  I put on my glasses and examined the note more closely.

“Wait a minute,” says I, “isn’t that the same love-note he left for me last week?”  For I had saved that love-note and attached it, with a magnet, to the refrigerator, where the ever-efficient Dr. Payne had spied it and re-employed it.

I returned the note to the refrigerator and placed it on top of a gold-foil heart-shaped doily.

You can have your fancy Hallmark Valentine . . . . 

 . . . . I’ve got my recycled love-note.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Quote is from All Through the Day, All Through the Year:  Family Prayers and Celebrations, by David Batchelder.

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